Updated: Sep 19, 2021
So, I'm sitting at work thinking and I want to share something with you.
There's this man I love... I want to tell you a story about the love of my life.
9 years ago I met someone that would change my life forever. At the time I wasn't looking for anything, seeing that I was already in a relationship. All I wanted was someone to talk to. I never expected us to draw to one another the way we did and so quickly but he gained my trust and became my friend.
As time went on I felt a tugging in my soul and I knew he was the man I needed. I couldn't stay away from him. My heart wouldn't let me. Even tho I knew that this love was destined I still didn't want to give my all to him. All I thought of was, what if he hurts me? What if he don't want me like I want him? And just like that I began to self sabotage and made a few mistakes. [But that's my cross to bear ya know.]
Believe me when I tell you this nudging that I felt was constant. And I grew deeper and deeper in love with him. He brought out a side of me that made me feel free. I was authentically me and he was cool with that shit. He helped open my heart. I gave freely into our love and I experienced what true vulnerability is. But that terrified me. However, I truly saw him in my life for the rest of my life. We've had our share of ups and downs though ya know.
We went through Hurricane Dorian together. It was rough! Us having to swim out his house after it got flooded was terrifying. We were literally holding on to a tree while the wind and rain beat us. I honestly thought we were going to die in that moment but he made sure I was okay and made me laugh. Although we were outside exposed to the elements I felt safe in his arms. I felt protected. He made it his business to get me to my family in one piece. He really took care of me.
In the weeks and months after that was when I started to "deteriorate" [for lack of better words]. I could tell seeing me like that troubled him but he tried to stay strong. I couldn't explain what was happening to me or what I was experiencing. I'm excellent at expressing myself through writing but some how fall short when it is time to speak. But I could tell it was overwhelming for him.
I came back home with my mother and I got worse. If you know, you know. I was a disaster and I didn't think he deserved that. It hurt me to think that but I had to be honest with myself. I was incapable of doing anything for myself and I felt he should be free to do as he pleases. Like I couldn't even be mad cause like why would he want to stay with me in that condition? On the the other hand, I would've wanted him to ride for me regardless but I had to check myself. I began to pull away ya know not because I don't love him. It's because I love him that much. It would've been selfish of me to require that of him. I just couldn't do it.
My only prayer was that if we're supposed to be, that we'll be. No matter what, against all odds. Because I pulled away I don't know if he does have another person or anything but I don't want to cross any boundaries and get my lil feelings hurt. [They is be big feelings girl, be real. Lmao.]
So sometimes months will pass without us speaking and then one day boom. I get a message and that fire ignites. I haven't seen him since Mar. 2020. That's a long ass time. Bruh. It's been even longer since... Anyway December 5 will make TWO years since... [Pray for me.]
But hold on! Listen when I tell you he messaged me last night and I was on cloud nine. I felt giddy like a teenager again. My heart was absolutely filled with joy. For this simple fact. My desire is for him and him alone. If he came to me today and asked for us to make things better, I definitely would say yes.
And even if he decided to walk away from me, I will still love him the same.
Ode to RIR ♥️
-- Have you ever loved somebody?.