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Am I Doing Enough Though?

Updated: Oct 11, 2021

I'm really in a vulnerable state right now.

My Brother transitioned almost two years ago now. He left behind a daughter and a son. From the time they were born until now I've been a prominent figure in their life. I always said the greatest Gift he could have ever given me was to make me an aunt. I cherish them and I'll protect them at all costs.

Since his passing I've been their "nanny" for lack of better words. While their mother was at work I would take care of them. This is nothing out of the ordinary. It's kinda part of our dynamic ya know. I told my mum today my life has been centered around them since I came back home in Dec. 2019. I really haven't been apart from them. Then when Covid came around I became their teacher as well. I think that put a strain on the relationship for both myself and the kiddies. Cause ya know I was always the fun aunt and they just wanted to play. But I needed them to do their work and it got frustrating. For about a year and a half this was our life. It's made me a little more irritable to child like things that I used to over look.

They have also become more emotional. Anything can trigger them. Anything. For example, this evening my niece asked if she can have salty after she eats her breakfast in the morning. I told her she can't have all that pepper first thing in the morning. She said okay, when my food digest can I have it? I said sure. So. Night came, it's after 9 pm and she asked me if I'm going to make her salty. I was like no, you said you want it tomorrow. She swear she said tonight, I said you really didn't, I'm not making it tonight but you'll get it tomorrow. So I went to take a shower seeing that we came to an agreement. Or so I thought. After my shower she brings it up. I repeated that I'm not doing it tonight, she'll get it in the morning, because that's what she asked for. She looked at me with a blank stare and the tears started. She asks aunty is something wrong with me, cause I don't remember. I can't remember saying that. I was like don't even worry about that, you're not getting it tonight you're getting it tomorrow. But she kept going and I'm trying my best to get her mind on another thought but it wasn't working. I went to tell my mother and she asked for my niece to come in her room. The poor child nearly had a full on breakdown. Her mind went into overdrive that quick and she started to panic. She didn't want to go. And I was like, you didn't do anything wrong. Grammy just asked for you to come there. And she was like crying, crying.

I try not to get upset because I understand they've been through alot and have feelings they don't know how to express as yet. I try my best to calm them. Give them reassuring talks but when the water works start there's not much I can say or do. Ya know, I've had my own struggles and to be perfectly honest I fought for myself not only for myself but for them. But I find myself in this moment tonight asking am I doing enough? What am I not doing? I feel like it's my duty to be here for them ya know. I enjoy them. They can be so sweet but when that trauma hits it's overwhelming. Now I'm questioning if I'm really equipped to nurture them the way they need me to. I love them with everything in me. But I feel like I'm not doing anything to make them better. That hurts my heart. They're all that I have left of my brother and I just want to be everything they need.

I'm sure this is just momentary. But I'll keep going though. I just needed to face this feeling, accept it in this moment and release it. Things will definitely get better and I will surely be equipped to handle this journey.

Just keep us in your prayers.

When we get up now we'll be standing tall and strong for sure.

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