Hey yallllll. Ughhhhh!! I know!! It bin a minute...
...more like a few minutes. But, alas here I am.
For the past few weeks I've been praying and looking for guidance on certain situations that I want to come forth in my life. But in some way shape or form I never seem to get a clear answer. You know my dreams tell a lot. I've seen a few things in my dream and I'm going to share those. But last night in the midst of my prayer and me falling into sleep; I heard 1 of William McDowell's songs Wrap Me In Your Arms. So when I got up I listened to that song this morning. It's more so a medley with his song Closer. I'll link it below but I just want to highlight a few lines.
"Into your arms
I'm drawing near again
To dwell with you
It's my only heart's desire
It's my only heart's desire
And all I can do
Is fall on my knees and cry
Cleanse me with fire
And purify my heart
Draw me close
Closer than before
Closer than I've ever been..
..Wrap me in your
Wrap me in your arms
Wrap me in your arms
So take me to that place Lord,
To that secret place where
I can be with you
You can make me like you
Wrap me in your arms
Wrap me in your arms
Wrap me in your arms"
And as I sang that last stanza the tears began rolling down my face. I just embraced the moment and let it happen. I'm reminded of the moment I had in 2020 when God came to me where I was, as I was.
I was in a state of complete turmoil. I know I spoke alot about how broken I was and the dark place I was in, but I'm feeling compelled right now in this moment to share what happened that day.
It may have been like a week or two after my brother died. Prior to his death I would have instances where I'd just cry. I was anxious and afraid of everyone. Like I was afraid of my niece and nephew, that's how bad it was.
Going back to that day, my mother didn't want to leave me at home alone so I went to work with her.
I cried all the way there. While I sat in her office I tried to explain to her what I was feeling but I couldn't get it out. I sat there in tears the entire time. I just couldn't get myself together.
It was now time for us to leave and the crying continued. I felt a dark gloomy aura overtake my body and I had had enough. I just knew when I got home I was about to do it. I had already made up my mind. I was tired of being the way I was. I was tired feeling what I felt. I was just tired of being here. Honestly.
So, we finally got home. I had hid one of my brother's knives in my suitcase. I told my family I wanted it as a momentum but truthfully I had other plans for it. I placed it in the smallest zipper of my bag. It was easily accessible. But on this day, I went to that bag and the knife was no where to be found. I tore my suitcase to pieces!! When I realized it wasn't there I started to get a little hysterical. I had already made my decision and I had made peace with it too. So me not being able to find the knife broke me just a little bit more. In the midst of me ramshackling my suitcase, I heard a still voice say, "Go lay down!" I tried so hard to fight it but I couldn't. I laid down and it literally felt like I was being embraced and in no time I went to sleep. And that was the first time in months I was able to sleep the entire night without waking to a panic attack.
When I woke up I took in what I experienced the day before. In that moment I knew I had an encounter with God. He literally wrapped me in his arms. The realization "It ain't my time to go yet" began to sink in. I prayed and asked God to please bring me out. I know I couldn't do it without his help. He promised me he would, I just needed to have faith that he can. And from that moment I made it my business to engage with God on an intentional level.
Maybe like two or three months down the line. The crying halted a bit, I was doing better. Interacting with my family a little more. It was a slow progression but I was getting better. I sat down with my mommy and explained to her what happened to me that day. All she could do was say Thank God and hug me. Another month passed, still slowly progressing but getting better. My mother and I was sorting through clothes. I began reorganizing my bag then lo and behold, there was the knife. I immediately showed my mommy and asked her to take it. I can still see the look on her face when she saw it. But that there was confirmation that it wasn't my time.
When I look back at where I was and where I am now; it could have only been God bruh!!
Every little milestone I reached from then to now has been monumentous for me. Simply because I know my faith has brought me this far. And I'm certain he will continue to do great things for me. I just need to continue to have faith that he'll do it.
Much Love!!
Catch ya in the next post!!