As most women I'm my generation I grew up on Disney movies. My favorite of all time would definitely be Pocahontas. Not only because she was the only character that "looked" like me but I always felt a connection to the movie. It made such an impact that I definitely have the movie stored on a flash drive for my viewing pleasure. Lol. But as I got older I began to find new meaning or a new sense of appreciation for this movie; simply the messages it holds.
Which is where this quote comes from. Grand Mother Willow sang this song to Pocahontas as she was explaining to her a random but not so random dream she had. She just couldn't understand what the dream meant. The song goes,
This all happened as John Smith's ships were approaching their land. This is one of the shortest songs in the movie but it is so powerful!! Every now and then it drops in my spirit with such magnitude that I have to write it somewhere. I drew the picture above and even placed it on my bedroom door. Yeah! I know right.
But in this season of my life I realize just how much this song actually is speaking to me. I shared that I had a few struggles over the past year and a half. Mentally, Emotionally, Spiritually and Physically. All of me was messed up okay! To the point where I couldn't recognize myself. I look back at pictures from that moment in time and I promise you I was not there. At all. I was checked out. It was as if my soul had already left my body. I was just a shell. I honestly felt death hovering over me. I'm thankful for it though. If it weren't for that moment in time I wouldn't be the strong woman that I am today. If it weren't for God and my mother I would be dead.
As I got better I began to question a lot. Having a conversation with my mother I cried in her arms trying to tell her that I am not okay. I was better at that point yes, but I was still in mid battle. It hurt me to see all the people that laughed at my demise and mocked me. It pierced my heart. I was below my lowest point and no one close to me saw my pain. No one who I considered to be irreplaceable in my life saw that I was crying out for help. They only saw some funny shit.
Even in that state I felt the energy they were dishing out and I pulled away completely. I had to. Not because I was angry but because they were adding to my suffering. I have a friend that stuck by me through all of this! I even questioned her but once I was able to, I sat down with her and spoke from my heart. We are in a much better place now and I thank her for never letting up on me. She's the only irreplaceable person that stayed there with me. I'd be remised if I didn't mention my other good friend who checked on me through her. I love them more than they'd ever understand. They showed me that not only are they my friends but they're my family.
So all of this reflection came back to me because of a dream I had a few nights back. I can't remember what happened exactly but I knew for a fact an old friend of mine was in my dream. It spooked me a bit because I have never dreamt about him. Not only that, I felt very uneasy and uncomfortable around him as the dream progressed. When I woke up that feeling stuck with me and in my heart I knew there had to be a reason why.
Fast forward to last night. My brother came to me and told me that this friend reached out to him and said he needed to talk to me about something. I looked at my brother and the only word I uttered was okay! I didn't feel compelled to ask for his number or give him my new one. Again. I felt off about it. So today I thought about it. Ya know, going back to my dream and then days later he sends a message to me. I automatically said to myself. I'm not reaching out. I don't feel in my heart that I should do that at this time. I have a reason or two why I'm going to keep my distance though.
I'm not doing this out of hate towards him but out of love for myself. I am definitely in my selfish season. Simply put I can't trust everyone with me. It was made very clear that they didn't really f**k with me the way I f**ked with them. And that is okay. I release it in love. If it's meant for us [that goes for anybody] to speak it will happen in divine timing. I'm a firm believer in that. And when we do speak, we'll be speaking honestly. There's no other way.
So, I just want to encourage you while I'm encouraging myself. Your thoughts were programmed to cloud your mind. Listen with your heart, you will definitely understand. The two are one.
Much love, catch yal in the next post.